I can't go on anymore. I have tried to beat this on my own for ... oh .... as long as 5 minutes! I realised I had a problem when I found myself ripping up the carpet in the corner by the tallboy!
Those around me are hurling all kinds of threats and I am in despair, and now know that I need help to overcome this terrible addiction.
I promise to participate in the 12 step program and to pray to my god for help every day. I have tried cold turkey, but it wasn't a success - my body slave and snivelling menial had just put it in her mouth with some piccalilli, ewwwwww. Still got the scars from that one!
My head is twice the size it was and I have bad breath and tooth decay and bloody paws, and what's more I have developed an irresistable yearning for Fiona Bruce - the shameless hussy - who seduces me every day from the corner of the room promising such tantalising allurements as government clampdowns and economic upsurges - then poof .... she's gone. It doesn't matter how many times I climb through the wires behind that rectangle moving picture thingy and sit on that slidey bit which pops in and out at the front (such a convenient place to park ones bum while disembowelling a chris ..... chrisanf ...... flower), she has obviously moved on to some other poor s*d who can offer more than just a decomposed hairball and a wonky hip.
I throw myself on the mercy of the court!
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