You know I really love my cat, don't get me wrong, but if there is the cat equivalent of the hissy fit, then Austin does it. It's probably called a kissy fit. I've not had a huge experience with cats. I've only personally known about half a dozen in my entire life. But Austin is the only cat I've had who manages to do arms akimbo whilst stamping his paw and giving a verbal bashing all at the same time!
It's my own fault. I just give in to him. All he has to do is turn those big beautiful (alien) eyes on me and blink and I am like a ravaged dead mouse in his paws. The distressing scenes of spoilt cat throwing a tantrum usually takes place of an evening when I'm doing a bit of social networking. So I'm guessing he is jealous of my virtual life and wants to scupper my attempts at online badinage. I have written about this before - well let's face it I've written about most things before - but I'm hoping most of my readers are like me - forgetful!
Austin goes out of an evening to take the air (and anything else that takes his fancy) and when he is let in upstairs at about 9.30, he will know that I am sat sitting downstairs tapping the keys on the Mac and minding my own business. He will also know that I am needing reminding that it is time for the evening performance. This is what occurs (includes timescale):
a) Hark! I hear the gentle pitter patter of a herd of buffalo stampeding down the stairs as he rushes and hurls himself through my door (whether closed or not) going "me-NOW" "me-NOW" "me-NOW" all the way from top to bottom - 9 seconds
b) I trudge behind determined tuxie back upstairs while deftly avoiding ritual thwack of paw through bannisters by sliding along slowly and hugging the wall (don't make eye contact) - 1 min 34 seconds
c) I give all-over-top-to-tail B-R-U-S-H - 4 mins
d) There is some communal laser mayhem (which includes chair mutilation and curtain abseiling) - 3 mins
e) Austin administers some therapeutic claw shiatsu on a couple of thighs that already resemble the shower scene from Psycho - anything from 2 mins to 5 mins depending on the thigh owners pain threshold on the day
f) Human to cat neck scritch - 1 min 52 seconds
g) Cat on human drool puddle - total the time from c) to h) inclusive
h) Catnap on lap - for as long as thigh owner can stand it - infinity.
To cap it all I now have to tell Austin he is in receipt of two more awards!!! Can life get any more fraught fun? I dread to think what he's going to say!
Look Austin, there's not a scintilla of a chance that a cuddle is coming your way, ok?
So, we have received from Teri at Curlz and Swurlz the Lief award. No that's not Leaf, meaning the green thing you get off a tree, but Lief as in Dutch for sweet :)) Yes Austin that means you, babe!
We have also received from Haopee (who else! :) the Versatile Blogger award for being … well …versatile! And apparently she's taken pity on me because I'm a statsaholic!
Thank you very much to both!
Now there are certain conditions attached to these awards, but do you know? I can't remember them? I did the seven things a while back now! I've done three things too, I think .. and ten things! Good heavens! There's nothing left to say! Anyway Austin's life is a closed book and mine is so uninteresting even I yawn when I hear what I am saying! However there are many blogs I like and I'm just going to give a shout out to some:
Look I'm not really, but I blame Blogger. OH YES I DO! They change everything, so you don't know where you are and you have to do random clicks in order to find anything and before you know it, you've deleted an absolutely brilliant post; the best you've ever written (just take my word for it, ok!).
The fact that I am forever ending up on the stats page is neither here nor there. BUT, as I've just come from there, I do have one question:
HOW COME THERE ARE MORE COMMENTS THAN PAGEVIEWS ON SOME OF MY POSTS?
Perhaps people are commenting without looking? That might be it. However, it'a more likely there are nefarious forces at work. Just letting you know, so you can keep a look out! I don't track my own pageviews, but it still doesn't account for the difference!
Then the page that gives your audience by country shows that in a week you've had a total of 151 visits from 23 different countries, but you've still only had 23 pageviews with 35 comments!!!!???? (don't you just hate people that use punctuation marks indiscriminately?) !!
It starts so innocently. One is lured by pretty colours and charts and wavy lines and before you know it you're on the road that leads to total addiction. You're a no hoper, completely in the grip of a vice that rules your whole life. You can't think of anything except where the next stats fix comes from. Will it be via traffic sources or that squashy map on the audience page? And oh, the sweet seduction of the competing allurements of "pageviews today, pageviews yesterday …. pageviews all time history." I can't deal with it anymore. I need to go cold turkey and shut down for a day … or hour …. well maybe a minute.
First I'll just check out this Referring URL …….. ?
Now for the fun as I inform Austin of this honour!
"Hey Austin!" ⬇
"We've won another award!"
"You're kidding!" ⬇ "We sure have. We are Pawsome, apparently!"
"Good grief! I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means?" ⬇ "Oh yes!"
"It's cuddle time!"
"I think I'm going to be sick!"
Award winning Loaf Cat insists he is a cuddle free zone!
The rules are that I have to give the award to eight blogs that I consider pawsome. The problem is I can't pick just eight! So I'm going to break all rules and say that if you are reading this and have paws, you are officially Pawsome :)
No! Not the interminable poem by Mr Poe. This is a similar one by Mr Poo!
Once upon a morning dreary, Austin pondered, cheeky, cheery,
Over many a pack of kibble, juicy salmon and much more.
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my glass back door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my glass back door'".
So Austin skipped across the floor!
Just to set the scene, this is what usually happens when birds visit the garden:
Austin the Brave Knave
But this is what happened today:
Austin the Wuss Puss
We do have big birds here. Ok, not condor big, but big enough! Herons, buzzards, shags and of course ravens. When we throw food out for the birds, they are generally quite grateful and come and flutter around the lawn. However, this morning I chucked out a stale scone the size and weight of a cricket ball and practically took out a whole flock of starlings. Therefore the only taker was Rodney the Raven who is the same size as Austin and was the only bird with the muscles to deal with it.
The secret of survival is knowing when to keep your head down!
Many delighted thanks to Haopee over at My Dogs Love Me for awarding this to the team here at CATachresis. Austin is supposed to be making a speech, but as it seems he can only do it in Welsh, it has been left to me to do the ceremonial bit! Liebster means "dearest" in German, and the award is intended to help up-and-coming blogs get the attention they deserve. Well, as I've been "up-and-coming" for quite some time now, I am more than happy to accept this award in the hopes that I will arrive at some stage during 2012!
Of course, I couldn't do this blog without the help of Austin who is my muse and who keeps me amused on a daily basis. Today, for instance, he kept me amused by making me run around after Martin-the-LaserMouse while he sat and blinked down on me lovingly from on top the bookcase!
Life is so full.
Now it behoves me to pass the award on to some other deserving parvenus up-comers. As I don't want to distress anyone unduly, I will name some names and then run for cover. Please, if you are named, will you step forward and receive your award from the paw of Austin, bow or curtsey and then back away slowly. Whatever you do, keep smiling and don't make eye contact! Then if you want you can:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog 2. Link back to the blogger who gave you the award (me!). 3. Pick your five favourite blogs, with less than 200 followers and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have received the award. 4. Hope that the five blogs chosen will keep spreading the love and pass it on to five more blogs.
Easy peasy :)
And now here is Austin looking pleased
Then we have a moment
…….before he realises
"…….I'm having an unauthorised cuddle……."
"….. I'm outta here!"
Oh well! Moving on …….
Here are some of the blogs who we think really deserve to be Liebstered:
You've heard people say about their cats …. ahem ... *puts on high pitched squeaky voice*,
"It's as if he understands every word I say!"
Well with Austin and me, it's never been like that. I've regaled you with hilarious anecdotes about conversations we've had concerning issues of national importance. Ok, maybe not hilarious. In truth, I speak to him as if he's another hairless biped with two graduate degrees and a job in the city, and he responds by …. blinking. Yes, blinking! He's probably thinking while he's blinking "I wish she'd just shut up and open the salmon Purina". Trouble is, I do the same. I blink when he meows! How we've managed to rub along in this way for four and a bit years, I haven't a clue. One of us at least should have starved to death by now, or moved out!
Anyway, I've been wondering for quite a while why communication between myself and Austin can be so fraught with misunderstanding? We seem to be always talking at cross purposes. It can be a positive blinkfest of blank looks and incomprehension. I was beginning to think he was a tuna chunk short of a full can!
Now at last I believe I have the answer. Oh yes I do. Austin is a Welsh speaking cat in an English speaking household. And it is an English speaking household with two different accents! One of us was born and brought up in London and says "barth". The other was born and brought up in Cornwall and says "baaath". The poor boy is very confused, because he comes from some place that is unpronounceable between Llandudno Junction and Rhyl.
As you can see, Austin seems to be suffering from vowel misplacement disorder. I only hope it is curable! If not, his future in a mainly vowel speaking environment is at risk. We need to get help, and quickly. Meanwhile, we both wish you: