Saturday 20 February 2010

Applied Mathematics!

Now I realise I'm a bit OCD about giving Austin his flea gunk and worm pill, but one needs to prepare for this kind of confrontation.  I've gone on about the process at great length before, so won't go down that route again - well not too far!  However, the planets were once again in alignment and I had to do both at the same time(ish).  I've not had too much problem with the pill bit before, funnily enough; it's always been the flea potion that's caused such pain and discomfort (mostly mine)!  So this time we thought we'd do the pill first to ease us in gently.  Big mistake!  

This time it took several pairs of plastic gloves, one bottle of TCP, several plasters and twenty-four hours before the offending tablet was finally despatched down the correct orifice.  By then it had been pre-sucked, acquiring a thick coating of cat saliva plus black fur and beige shag pile.  I suppose it's all my fault as I'd lent him a book all about a cat, called Lucky, who belonged to a hypothetical physisist called Schrödinger.  Austin obviously now believes I wish him ill and has started a course in quantum mechanics and a torture diary. Talk about overreacting!. 

No amount of me calling "here kitty kitty," in a soft seductive voice will bring him out from behind the large-chair-in-the-corner-by-the-radiator.  Normally he'd be winding himself around my legs tripping me up and impeding my progress to the fridge, cupboard, sink or wherever!  And he growls!!! Oh yes he does; from the safety of his hidey-hole he becomes the King of the Jungle.  It's quite a terrifying sound coming from such a small creature.  So while he's morphing into Mufasa, all I can do is weakly squeak the refrain from Hakuna Matata and wait patiently until starvation, bladder urgency or a "wave function collapse" draws him out. 

While I'm waiting, I whip out my compass, protractor and slide rule to determine the correct angle for administering the pill.  I've realised, after all the failed attempts it is vital that the angle of trajectory is correct, so the point of firing and the point of swallowing have to be plotted to within 0.001/100th of a degree.  I consult my copy of Euclid's Elements (courtesy of Ruislip Library, date due for return Dec 1975) to obtain the most exact measurements possible. 
I believe I am now prepared, so I leave the vicinity of the cat.  Austin eventually emerges. I stop breathing.  He becomes "low-slung" cat and skulks round the side of the room. He sticks his head out the door.  Ha! Got him! Executing a perfect a pincer movement, I pounce from behind, while elderly mother smiles at him menacingly as she bears down from the front. Working as one, we scoop him up, wrench open his jaw, angle the pill (47.1768 °) and "fire".  The optimal circumference of the gape also has to be gauged and is crucial to a successful outcome.  Being the altruistic and thoughtful person I am I've calculated the following equation for those who would like replicate my thesis and apply in their own situation. 

(∑pf) + (φps) x 47.1768 ÷ ∃!v + ∫at x πr²

So now you know!  When it came to the formula for flea gunk application to the back of the neck, the equation was much more simple. 

Broken ampule + parted fur = job done

Schrödinger could have made it a lot easier on himself, hypothetically!

Thursday 11 February 2010

For those who have pets ......


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and ..
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...