Sunday, 9 January 2011

The Austin Imperative

Austin's third anniversary has come and gone.  I don't actually think he even noticed.  His age must be somewhere between 3½ and 4 now.  To say he's settled and feels at home is a bit of an understatement.  He totally rules the roost, except in one area - bedtime sleeping arrangements. The negotiations are still ongoing as to where he lays his not-so-weary head.  Trouble is, as with most cats his awake times are very early morning and very late at night.  This is when, of course, we are well and truly ready for ZZZZ and are shouting for him to "Austin, come, now" at the top of our voices and peering myopically out into the North Wales night, which is "starless and bible black" as all stereotypical welsh nights are!  

If he's not out pillaging the countryside then he's stuck like velcro to my lap and I have to heave myself to my feet and shuffle along with Austin clinging on like a koala on a eucalyptus tree.  Totally bizarre scene!  Whatever way it's done, getting him to bed is a painful experience. But as I've written at great length about all this before I will not burden you any more now, lest you think I'm a tad obsessive!

It has been interesting to see, how, over these three years, Austin has learnt to "work the system" so that he achieves the maximum amount of comfort for the minimum amount of effort - I'm sure there is a universal law about it? Oh I know I think it's "the law of perPETual transmutation of energy".  This is the law that says all pets have the power within them to change the conditions in their lives by harnessing the principle of energy sapping!!  Cats are the masters of this and in addition Austin has been spending a lot of time lately studying "CATegorical Imperative" the seminal work of that famous German ailurophile Immanuel KAnT.

Here are just some of the many imperatives he's adopted - you will see how he employs the law of "diametric contradiction" in many cases:

Every exit door has to be checked with human panting along behind when it's raining.

No internal door must be closed to a cat or severe trauma to the carpet will ensue. 

A cat should not go up the stairs unaccompanied at any time and the accompanying human must be raced up the stairs and thwacked on shoulder through the bannisters.

All food must be picked at disdainfully when human is watching.

A cat must never let on that he knows how to use a cat flap, as it could mean that all the time saved by not running from door to window to window to door would weigh heavy on the human's hands and she could become bored and grumpy.

The cat must always jump onto lap of human to have a long nap at the very moment she decides to get in the car and go shopping.

And finally ......  when the human decides to sit down and write interesting blog post, cat must jump up onto keyboardd aanndf kfkbjdhfihfgoh ujrkjld khf kfgj;phpuoteio.


  1. Another linguistically rich and vibrant entry, bursting forth with entertaining analogy, metaphor and witticism.

    How's that for a review? ;-)

    Loved the Cat + Keyboard combo. Superb stuff. He should write the forward to your upcoming book! ;-)

  2. lol thanks. It would probably be the only bit of it that makes sense :D BTW errr what book?

  3. ahhhhh I love David's comment...I minored in Philosophy so I DO understand! :)

  4. Best thing I've read all day! When are you going to publish? Thanks for the entertainment!

    Love ya!

  5. @Caren cat philosophy is so much more meaningful don't you think? lol I dipped into Kant et al when doing my theology degree. Great to know you understand x

    @ Linda always glad to be of service. :>) Love ya right back x

  6. Oh, are you not writing a book? ;-)

    The worlds loss ;-)

  7. I really LOLd at this. Well done ol thing.

    About the book. When's it due?

    Birth it girl!

    Bruv x

  8. It's the 3 year labour that's the killer lolol

    Thanks Bruv xx

  9. Austin is quite the thinker! And a writer too. (besides being adorable!)

  10. Haha :) Another great post! I thought of you yesterday when I saw two cats sitting on the roof of someone's shed. One scarpered, the other gave me the strangest look I've ever seen in my life!

    Oh and the keyboard thing is great...tell Austin I said fidhiklhD DAWaefgi FF-AGJJJ

  11. Ann, thanks so much for popping by :>) Yep Austin is AMAZING! lol

    Hi Sarah That one must have been a relative of Austin's! It's a kind of extreme looking lol. Oh and Austin says asdfghtkb kftgjfjv lp x

  12. Hi so nice to meet you! Austin is a cutie and I agree with all his ideas. Especially the closed doors! I have a strict Open Door Policy here.


  13. rosie aka cyn or cyn aka rosieWednesday, January 19, 2011 5:19:00 pm

    lol nice one!


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