We've got one of those computerised ovens! Our old mate Richard came and installed it and took the old one away. Now Richard's a lovely bloke, very good at his job, however his communication skills leave a lot to be desired. It's not that he's a member of the grunting monosyllabic, neanderthal tribe of young men who need 10 pints in them before they open up - usually with expletives not deleted and then vomit in your lap. Richard is a "nice boy", but he hasn't yet learnt to articulate and express himself so that the words leave his lips and travel unhindered and unencrypted to your ear. It takes alot of patience on both sides in order to get the gist. I want to shout:
"Open your mouth Richard, let the words go free!"
But no, they continue to rush around inside his oral cavity, desperate but unsuccessful in their bid for freedom. So I become adept at pretending I understand. This, of course, leads to confusion - mine! So when he gives a short tutorial on the dos and don'ts of the new appliance I'm all smiles and nods - in all the wrong places. I catch a word here and there, "catalyser" "flexiclip" "keypad"! Have I made a terrible mistake? Is it some kind of gruesome crossbreed robot straight out of Stepford Wives? A mobile phone car? What the .......? All I want is something that will heat up fishcakes!
He leaves eventually and I head straight for the manual(s). Big mistake. There are six of them plus a "moisture plus" cookbook! So it's an oven that steams as it cleans as it cooks? One of the books appeared to be about something called a "wireless food probe". And then there was the bag of inklamatrinks that came too. By this point I'm beginning to think I'd wandered into Ann Summers territory! What have I done? I'm sure I saw the words "kitchen appliances" above the door of the shop, but to tell the truth my eyesight's not what it was. Then of course trying to find instructions in English is rather time consuming. By the time you've waded through the Arabic, Chinese, Serbo Croatian and Gujarati you find that English takes up about 1½ pages at the back of book 5. Long live the Empire!
Well getting the oven to start is no problem. Austin can do it just by walking in front. I think it must be to do with the fact that both he and the oven are chipped. I think also that both he and the oven can moonlight as defibrillators, so that's a bonus. Bit worried about frying my brains though, let alone fishcakes!