Saturday, 20 February 2010

Applied Mathematics!

Now I realise I'm a bit OCD about giving Austin his flea gunk and worm pill, but one needs to prepare for this kind of confrontation.  I've gone on about the process at great length before, so won't go down that route again - well not too far!  However, the planets were once again in alignment and I had to do both at the same time(ish).  I've not had too much problem with the pill bit before, funnily enough; it's always been the flea potion that's caused such pain and discomfort (mostly mine)!  So this time we thought we'd do the pill first to ease us in gently.  Big mistake!  

This time it took several pairs of plastic gloves, one bottle of TCP, several plasters and twenty-four hours before the offending tablet was finally despatched down the correct orifice.  By then it had been pre-sucked, acquiring a thick coating of cat saliva plus black fur and beige shag pile.  I suppose it's all my fault as I'd lent him a book all about a cat, called Lucky, who belonged to a hypothetical physisist called Schrödinger.  Austin obviously now believes I wish him ill and has started a course in quantum mechanics and a torture diary. Talk about overreacting!. 

No amount of me calling "here kitty kitty," in a soft seductive voice will bring him out from behind the large-chair-in-the-corner-by-the-radiator.  Normally he'd be winding himself around my legs tripping me up and impeding my progress to the fridge, cupboard, sink or wherever!  And he growls!!! Oh yes he does; from the safety of his hidey-hole he becomes the King of the Jungle.  It's quite a terrifying sound coming from such a small creature.  So while he's morphing into Mufasa, all I can do is weakly squeak the refrain from Hakuna Matata and wait patiently until starvation, bladder urgency or a "wave function collapse" draws him out. 

While I'm waiting, I whip out my compass, protractor and slide rule to determine the correct angle for administering the pill.  I've realised, after all the failed attempts it is vital that the angle of trajectory is correct, so the point of firing and the point of swallowing have to be plotted to within 0.001/100th of a degree.  I consult my copy of Euclid's Elements (courtesy of Ruislip Library, date due for return Dec 1975) to obtain the most exact measurements possible. 
I believe I am now prepared, so I leave the vicinity of the cat.  Austin eventually emerges. I stop breathing.  He becomes "low-slung" cat and skulks round the side of the room. He sticks his head out the door.  Ha! Got him! Executing a perfect a pincer movement, I pounce from behind, while elderly mother smiles at him menacingly as she bears down from the front. Working as one, we scoop him up, wrench open his jaw, angle the pill (47.1768 °) and "fire".  The optimal circumference of the gape also has to be gauged and is crucial to a successful outcome.  Being the altruistic and thoughtful person I am I've calculated the following equation for those who would like replicate my thesis and apply in their own situation. 

(∑pf) + (φps) x 47.1768 ÷ ∃!v + ∫at x πr²

So now you know!  When it came to the formula for flea gunk application to the back of the neck, the equation was much more simple. 

Broken ampule + parted fur = job done

Schrödinger could have made it a lot easier on himself, hypothetically!


  1. I am laughing my head off. I can just see you and your mom and Austin!!! Oh do I pity you next month when the time comes. Austin's going to be plotting a new strategy!

    By the way, I couldn't agree more about 1 Corinthians 13!

  2. Lol next month I'm calling in 1st Battalion the Coldstream Guards!


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