Monday 1 September 2008

The following night .....

.... well he was having nothing of it, was he! Having feasted in the Elysian fields and drunk the nectar of the gods, Austin has now decided that his compact and bijou residence- complete with en suite and mini bar, I might add - is a bit infra dig and he has packed his bags ready for the move to the larger and more affluent suburb of my bedroom.

However, I have informed him, through my solicitors, that this place ain't big enough for the both of us! He replied, through his solicitors, that this contravened his human rights and he will take me all the way to the supreme court at the Hague to prove it. I mentioned that as he wasn't human, it mattered not what he thought under European law. He declared that the Human rights law was universal so therefore I couldn't discriminate just because he was a cat and anyway didn't cats and humans share about 96% of the same DNA? I countered by saying that we shared approximately 93% of DNA with a komodo dragon and I wasn't about to let one of those kip in my bed!! I directed him to the 32nd chapter of the introduction to the preface of the appendix, paragraph 15, sub-para 28, addendum 12, codicil 8 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights which says that it "does not constitute binding international human rights law - especially if you're a cat and are DNA deficient". So he could go fry his titbits! He muttered something that sounded like rowlocks.

Well things got a bit ugly after that. There was a tussle - skin, fur and DNA flying everywhere. Harsh words were exchanged and we parted.

One has to live with the consequences of one's actions, but certain issues need to be addressed and some questions answered:

1) would redecorating the kitchen remove the stains completely?
2) could caterwauling be accepted as an olympic sport by 2012?
3) how much will it cost to replace the broken glass?
4) could splinter embedded in paw be removed without taking the door off its hinges?
5) Will the NHS cover the cost of counselling if your DNA doesn't reach the required level?


  1. Loved the imagery as always, but what is a komono dragon?

    Hope you get some rest.

    "Nurse, the screens?"

    x. Bruv

  2. "He had his paws stuck up my nose and then I'd wake up struggling to breathe only to see his worried little face peering down checking that I hadn't died while his attention was diverted."


    "So he could go fry his titbits! He muttered something that sounded like rowlocks."

    WAHHAHAHHAHAHHA! Rofl lol pmsl lmao!

    "What is a komono dragon?"

    "It's something you wear in bed :>)"

    ~ Here lies David J Retalock ~

    .Died laughing.


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